sometimes a day goes by quickly
you walk onto a ninth floor and you make a right a left a right to the end of a row and sit in a box
if you rub your eyes for five and a half minutes you can get the same sensation you get staring at a screen for two hours, line line line line number line line message message dot
you drink an occasional coffee and you load up on caffeine and hope it keeps your motor functions motoring and if not you can always nod off for a second because nobody will notice i promise because well
you stare out a window that looks at a wall full of brick brick brick and maybe just maybe you see a feather and wonder what happened to the bird that shed it and what it feels like to be touching sky right this very now
you watch a clock and when it arrives at an appointed moment in time you can lace up your sneakers with the holes in the side and push a button and flip a switch and say goodbye and step outside and enter a tunnel and walk moving stairs and ride a train and be a part of
16 June 2009
04 June 2009
written
this is the first in a [long, long] while and thus fairly short
James stood watching the short trees shake small drops from their boughs. It was night and dim but clear and he brought his right hand up and he took a pull from his lit cigarette. He flicked the end into the damp grass and watched it go out.
The dog quietly sidled up to him and pushed his head into his palm and put his ears back. James patted his head and pulled his palm back along his neck and the run of his spine. The night was quiet bar their breathing and the occasional noise of the man’s hand patting the dog’s bare ribs.
They walked through the grass back to the house, the dog occasionally pricking his ears to a distant noise, a squirrel or a bird or just some acorns falling in the woods loosed by the wind. The back door was still cracked open as they’d left it and the small house was dark and quiet.
James entered the main room first and put some small bits of wood on top of the still-hot embers in the fireplace and stood seeing if they’d catch and they did. The dog stretched low to the ground and lay in front of the flame and James sat in the wooden rocker and thought of her and her face and her strong sharp features and how sometimes a woman is so pretty it makes you go cold inside. He picked up his glass of warm whiskey lying on the floor beside him and took a sip and took out another cigarette but didn’t light it and just held it between his index and middle digits.
He heard the phone ring and got up while the dog stayed stiff and still. “Hello?”
It was his mother and given the time of day he was confused only a second until he realized from her tone that it was something bad and his father was in the hospital again and it seemed okay but maybe he should come by and would he be able to make it tomorrow?
He finished the whiskey and had a cigarette and prepared to sleep while the dog shifted to the foot of his low bed and he slept without dreaming and woke with the air cold and the dog making noise and looking like he was running in his dreams. When he’d risen from the bed he called for a taxi and drank fresh coffee and called the dog outside and stood in the fresh sun and breathed and smoked and exhaled.
The taxi arrived shortly after he’d finished dressing and idled in front of his home while he spoke softly to the dog and locked the doors for the hours he’d be gone. He paid the cab fare at the train station and bought a ticket and stood smoking quietly on the platform trying to discern the smoke coming out of his lungs from the fog of his breath in the cold air.
He boarded the train and found a seat and left the ticket out for the passing conductor. He sat back and closed his eyes and thought of times when his father was a strong man and built with his hands and had a heart that worked.
built with his hands
James stood watching the short trees shake small drops from their boughs. It was night and dim but clear and he brought his right hand up and he took a pull from his lit cigarette. He flicked the end into the damp grass and watched it go out.
The dog quietly sidled up to him and pushed his head into his palm and put his ears back. James patted his head and pulled his palm back along his neck and the run of his spine. The night was quiet bar their breathing and the occasional noise of the man’s hand patting the dog’s bare ribs.
They walked through the grass back to the house, the dog occasionally pricking his ears to a distant noise, a squirrel or a bird or just some acorns falling in the woods loosed by the wind. The back door was still cracked open as they’d left it and the small house was dark and quiet.
James entered the main room first and put some small bits of wood on top of the still-hot embers in the fireplace and stood seeing if they’d catch and they did. The dog stretched low to the ground and lay in front of the flame and James sat in the wooden rocker and thought of her and her face and her strong sharp features and how sometimes a woman is so pretty it makes you go cold inside. He picked up his glass of warm whiskey lying on the floor beside him and took a sip and took out another cigarette but didn’t light it and just held it between his index and middle digits.
He heard the phone ring and got up while the dog stayed stiff and still. “Hello?”
It was his mother and given the time of day he was confused only a second until he realized from her tone that it was something bad and his father was in the hospital again and it seemed okay but maybe he should come by and would he be able to make it tomorrow?
He finished the whiskey and had a cigarette and prepared to sleep while the dog shifted to the foot of his low bed and he slept without dreaming and woke with the air cold and the dog making noise and looking like he was running in his dreams. When he’d risen from the bed he called for a taxi and drank fresh coffee and called the dog outside and stood in the fresh sun and breathed and smoked and exhaled.
The taxi arrived shortly after he’d finished dressing and idled in front of his home while he spoke softly to the dog and locked the doors for the hours he’d be gone. He paid the cab fare at the train station and bought a ticket and stood smoking quietly on the platform trying to discern the smoke coming out of his lungs from the fog of his breath in the cold air.
He boarded the train and found a seat and left the ticket out for the passing conductor. He sat back and closed his eyes and thought of times when his father was a strong man and built with his hands and had a heart that worked.
10 May 2009
some time passes
it's been a little bit since i last posted, maybe a little too long. some factual things that have transpired:
[] i got a haircut
[] soccer saturdays in prospect park have begun
[] my 27th birthday came and passed
[] heatwaves happened
[] i don't know what i'm doing
[] friends and i made pasta from scratch
[] i wanted a dog around to walk at night
[] fruit sorbet was ate
[] i slept once a day on average
[] []
it's weird because having set the goal of this not being a place to simply jot things down as they happen, well, i struggle to find myself knowing what to write all of the time. i guess that's a symptom of a more general problem, but i don't want to just write about my daily routine
i've taken the camera out a bit more and i think i'm sort of getting a better understanding of it. i'm still trying to avoid doing processing on images partly because of a lack of knowledge, partly because i want images to look like what they looked like. i've been keeping busy, sometimes more so than i would've expected. but i'm not sure what it's leading to
i do feel like i've been avoiding taking advantage of creative outlets for quite some time. using the camera helps alleviate that, but not as much as needed. on that point, i am going to try to rekindle my website and start writing / drawing / something again. i honestly don't know what i'm doing. i just know that i'm feeling like instead of just being lost that i'm really doing nothing. and that's not a good thing
so, i spent a brief while kind of "reloading" things and will have to go from there. i will try - seriously, i will
i have had for the past month, months, moons this sentiment that i have stopped doing things that i was doing years ago that were healthy for me, whether they be physical, mental, whatever kind of things. i think not doing them has affected me to a point and it's weird to think that maybe i had things more right then than i do now. scary to think that, too
the world is still a scary place. offices are still closing and people are still reeling in parts, but i guess at the end of the day what i'm really left wondering is how many people get to do what they want to do? one of my biggest problems has always been not knowing what to focus on. it persists
rather than rant on i will withhold in the hopes of updating this again soon, let's say within a week. i have a few interesting things coming up and maybe one or more will inspire some smiles or tears or frowns or giggles. but at least something
the website to be reopened gradual-like is www.optimismitself.com
below i'm posting one of the views i like most from around here. not really for the sight, if that makes sense, but for the calm associated with it; i took the shot from a little slip that juts out into the water and is so incredibly quiet for brooklyn. it just is the kind of place that makes you sense peace
[] i got a haircut
[] soccer saturdays in prospect park have begun
[] my 27th birthday came and passed
[] heatwaves happened
[] i don't know what i'm doing
[] friends and i made pasta from scratch
[] i wanted a dog around to walk at night
[] fruit sorbet was ate
[] i slept once a day on average
[] []
it's weird because having set the goal of this not being a place to simply jot things down as they happen, well, i struggle to find myself knowing what to write all of the time. i guess that's a symptom of a more general problem, but i don't want to just write about my daily routine
i've taken the camera out a bit more and i think i'm sort of getting a better understanding of it. i'm still trying to avoid doing processing on images partly because of a lack of knowledge, partly because i want images to look like what they looked like. i've been keeping busy, sometimes more so than i would've expected. but i'm not sure what it's leading to
i do feel like i've been avoiding taking advantage of creative outlets for quite some time. using the camera helps alleviate that, but not as much as needed. on that point, i am going to try to rekindle my website and start writing / drawing / something again. i honestly don't know what i'm doing. i just know that i'm feeling like instead of just being lost that i'm really doing nothing. and that's not a good thing
so, i spent a brief while kind of "reloading" things and will have to go from there. i will try - seriously, i will
i have had for the past month, months, moons this sentiment that i have stopped doing things that i was doing years ago that were healthy for me, whether they be physical, mental, whatever kind of things. i think not doing them has affected me to a point and it's weird to think that maybe i had things more right then than i do now. scary to think that, too
the world is still a scary place. offices are still closing and people are still reeling in parts, but i guess at the end of the day what i'm really left wondering is how many people get to do what they want to do? one of my biggest problems has always been not knowing what to focus on. it persists
rather than rant on i will withhold in the hopes of updating this again soon, let's say within a week. i have a few interesting things coming up and maybe one or more will inspire some smiles or tears or frowns or giggles. but at least something
the website to be reopened gradual-like is www.optimismitself.com
below i'm posting one of the views i like most from around here. not really for the sight, if that makes sense, but for the calm associated with it; i took the shot from a little slip that juts out into the water and is so incredibly quiet for brooklyn. it just is the kind of place that makes you sense peace
21 March 2009
spring starts [sort of]
March 20th was meant to be the start of spring and in Brooklyn I stepped outside to be met by snow. I can't recall a year where temperatures shifted 30 degrees in the span of a few days, but that has become kind of the regular thing and it's a bit discomforting. I know the span of my life (our lives) is pretty minimal compared to how the planet's time passes, but it just doesn't feel right, does it? Maybe it's just me
It's been a weird few weeks and I've been in a weird mental mood so maybe not posting much is a good thing as I'm trying to avoid posting anything that becomes me ranting and/or raving. I started fiddling with my camera a bit and have been enjoying slowly getting a grasp on things. Here's a purposely shaky shot I took today [I know purposely and blurry probably shouldn't go together, but this was]:
I am looking forward to a bit warmer weather and trips walking Brooklyn and playing soccer in Prospect Park. Maybe do some camping, definitely do some grilling. Better weather brings with it a sort of inherent optimism I think for all of us and I'm hoping that sometime soon spring does genuinely begin. The space between 30 degree winters and 90 degree summers may be a sort of brief one but it really is the best moment to be in the city
Have you ever been in a moment or a place where you feel like things are about to sort of fall off and start anew? I've felt like that for a little while but I really don't know what the shift is going to be and to be honest I'm kind of nervous. But I remain optimistic. I try to remain optimistic, anyways
It's been a weird few weeks and I've been in a weird mental mood so maybe not posting much is a good thing as I'm trying to avoid posting anything that becomes me ranting and/or raving. I started fiddling with my camera a bit and have been enjoying slowly getting a grasp on things. Here's a purposely shaky shot I took today [I know purposely and blurry probably shouldn't go together, but this was]:
I am looking forward to a bit warmer weather and trips walking Brooklyn and playing soccer in Prospect Park. Maybe do some camping, definitely do some grilling. Better weather brings with it a sort of inherent optimism I think for all of us and I'm hoping that sometime soon spring does genuinely begin. The space between 30 degree winters and 90 degree summers may be a sort of brief one but it really is the best moment to be in the city
Have you ever been in a moment or a place where you feel like things are about to sort of fall off and start anew? I've felt like that for a little while but I really don't know what the shift is going to be and to be honest I'm kind of nervous. But I remain optimistic. I try to remain optimistic, anyways
03 March 2009
a wish for warmer days
on saturday i headed to a friends' place for some winter grilling. the morning was decently warm, and we carried a grill up a rickety ladder onto a sunset park rooftop. mark ran the show and once again showed how well he's getting his shit down when it comes to all of this
i attempted to use my newly purchased camera, to varying degrees of success. it's going to take a while i think not only to learn how to actually use it properly but to learn to edit photos the right way. that said, i think it went decently. and, past that, i felt like it at least did make me a slightly more active participant in the whole thing.
i'm looking forward to warmer days and afternoons in front of fires, going home smelling like the grill. sometimes i feel like it takes me a few days to really get the scent of the chunk charcoal out of my hair, and it creates a weird lingering element to it all.
i attempted to use my newly purchased camera, to varying degrees of success. it's going to take a while i think not only to learn how to actually use it properly but to learn to edit photos the right way. that said, i think it went decently. and, past that, i felt like it at least did make me a slightly more active participant in the whole thing.
i'm looking forward to warmer days and afternoons in front of fires, going home smelling like the grill. sometimes i feel like it takes me a few days to really get the scent of the chunk charcoal out of my hair, and it creates a weird lingering element to it all.
17 February 2009
economies of scale
i kind of want to say that today i experienced what layoffs are for the first time, but this makes it sound like a very personal thing, a thing which happened to me. that was not the case
instead, i was sort of circumspect to the events. about 10 coworkers of mine were given their goodbye today, and it was just a kind of oddly false feeling thing. false in the sense that i fully expect to see them tomorrow morning, if that makes sense
i know that every generation goes through its down moments. i know that for my parents, the early 80s were really brutal, and i've heard them recount tales of borrowing money, of not being able to purchase things taken for granted now. and though technically alive for that, honestly, no one my age has any recollection of such things
i don't have too much to say on this i guess, i dunno, i just wanted to lay out some brief thoughts. in the scheme of things i am doing well at the current moment and really have nothing to worry about, but in a way the current moment is exemplary of a thing that scares many of us : not being able to alter those things completely out of our control. as much as i might read about, talk about, or personally experience some of the difficulties of the moment, i cannot change the current circumstance. i might be able to decide my reaction to events, sure, but i cannot determine these events. i'm not saying that life is full solely of events we all choose, not by any means, but there are some situations that are almost scarily outside the realm of choice
i know i'm rambling, but i guess all i can say is that i do hope that people with the ability to make choices that can effect improvement do make those choices. i do hope that the people i personally know who are reeling will be okay. i do hope that i will somehow be able to manage better those things that are actually in my control
instead, i was sort of circumspect to the events. about 10 coworkers of mine were given their goodbye today, and it was just a kind of oddly false feeling thing. false in the sense that i fully expect to see them tomorrow morning, if that makes sense
i know that every generation goes through its down moments. i know that for my parents, the early 80s were really brutal, and i've heard them recount tales of borrowing money, of not being able to purchase things taken for granted now. and though technically alive for that, honestly, no one my age has any recollection of such things
i don't have too much to say on this i guess, i dunno, i just wanted to lay out some brief thoughts. in the scheme of things i am doing well at the current moment and really have nothing to worry about, but in a way the current moment is exemplary of a thing that scares many of us : not being able to alter those things completely out of our control. as much as i might read about, talk about, or personally experience some of the difficulties of the moment, i cannot change the current circumstance. i might be able to decide my reaction to events, sure, but i cannot determine these events. i'm not saying that life is full solely of events we all choose, not by any means, but there are some situations that are almost scarily outside the realm of choice
i know i'm rambling, but i guess all i can say is that i do hope that people with the ability to make choices that can effect improvement do make those choices. i do hope that the people i personally know who are reeling will be okay. i do hope that i will somehow be able to manage better those things that are actually in my control
11 February 2009
quick update
unfortunately the past two weeks, rather than being full of time to be creative, have been full of some things approaching busy-work, some things not. needless to say it has been busy
i do hope to have time enough to do a proper posting on the weekend
last saturday, i read cormac mccarthy's the road in its entirety because, well, i needed a bit of relaxing time and reading is that. it took a while to adjust to the style of it, not an altogether uncommon thing i guess. but it was a pretty decent read. by way of being lazy, i will leave you with a short part i thought was really good:
"The one thing I can tell you is that you wont survive for yourself. I know because I would never have come this far. A person who had no one would be well advised to cobble together some passable ghost. Breathe it into being and coax it along with words of love. Offer it each phantom crumb and shield it from harm with your body. As for me my only hope is for eternal nothingness and I hope it with all my heart."
i do hope to have time enough to do a proper posting on the weekend
last saturday, i read cormac mccarthy's the road in its entirety because, well, i needed a bit of relaxing time and reading is that. it took a while to adjust to the style of it, not an altogether uncommon thing i guess. but it was a pretty decent read. by way of being lazy, i will leave you with a short part i thought was really good:
"The one thing I can tell you is that you wont survive for yourself. I know because I would never have come this far. A person who had no one would be well advised to cobble together some passable ghost. Breathe it into being and coax it along with words of love. Offer it each phantom crumb and shield it from harm with your body. As for me my only hope is for eternal nothingness and I hope it with all my heart."
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